This photo of my camera bag represents everything I am feeling! 2021 was one of my best years creatively. I was published in a few magazines, I had sold some prints, I was creating new work and shooting videos as if my life depended on it. I felt alive and full of energy. I was excited for 2022.
Over the winter, I had purchased some new lenses, a new slider, some lights, and some new filters. I was getting ready for what I believed would be an unforgettable year. Then I got the call. My father called and said they were taking my mom to the hospital because she couldn’t walk. Her knee had swollen and was she was in a lot of pain. There was a covid outbreak in our area so we had to wait in the car and talk to nurse and doctors on the phone. I mentioned to one nurse that my mom had had a horrible cough for the past few months and could they check that out while they were looking at her. Mom hated doctors and especially hospitals and I knew she wouldn’t tell them. They checked my mom in and began the test, x-rays, and CT Scans.
The next day my father and I were allowed to see her, one at a time. The first thing mom said to me was, “ I am ready to go home!” While I was there, they took my mom out for some more scans. when she left the room a nurse pulled me aside and asked if mom had dementia. I said I had seen some signs of forgetfulness but nothing that jumped out at me. I few hours later we got the test results back and I spoke to a nurse.
Mom had cancer! It turns out she had lung cancer (she smoked my whole life) and the cancer had spread and they felt that it was in her brain and that was causing her to act the way she was. With that news mom checked herself out and came home. In the beginning I took care of mom at night and my sisters took care of her during the day. Our family doctor made a house call and said she only had a 3-6 moths left. I am not going to go into all the details but the next few weeks were hard on all of us. My wife and I had planned a trip to Maine (we go every year together. I go several times on my own). Although we were only a month in, we weren’t sure mom would make it long enough for me to go and get back. In the end, as a family, my sisters, my father, and my mom all felt we should go. My mental health was not good at this point and Maine is my peaceful place. I loaded the truck up with all my gear and had visions of what I would create while I was there.
I didn’t create anything! I found it hard to create because I was worried about my family. There were a lot of dynamics working and my brain was fried! We had a nice time; visiting with old friends, eating great food, and just being there. I did take a couple of side trips to make some photos but my heart wasn’t there and couldn’t create the images I wanted. We came home and I put my camera bag under my writing desk. There it sits to this day. My mom passed 9 weeks after we got the diagnosis. I had time to say goodbye and I was there to hold her hand right after she passed. The next week was hard. I got covid from someone giving their condolences and I was unable to attend her services. We had to postponed the reception for a month after. There have been a lot of emotions that I have been dealing with that I won’t go into here but I realized this week I have lost my creativity.
I create not only for my personal work. I also have to be creative in my job. I run an adoption and training division for a company and I create all the training and marketing for my department. I pride myself on creating dynamic, energetic, live, elearniing, and video training for a YouTube world. I also create all the marketing materials and content. I shoot and edit the commercials, create the blog posts, and all social media posts. However, now I am fighting every day to create anything. I am stuck! Lost!
So I reached out to the creative community on twitter and asked what they do. I tagged some very big names that I find very creative but also seemly warm and who I thought may be willing to help. I didn’t get responses from everyone but the ones that did, had some great ideas that I am going to try.
Becky and Chris, https://www.youtube.com/c/BeckiandChris suggested creating something just for me. I have a list of ideas that I haven’t done yet and one small project that I will try this weekend. PhotoJoseph, https://www.youtube.com/c/photojoseph recommended I take a trip. Get away. Take minimal gear and see what I can create! This hit me hard and it would tie in very well with Becky and Chris’s suggestion.
Jesse Driftwood, https://www.youtube.com/c/JesseDriftwood suggested look for the spontaneity of the moment or just start working on something and see where it takes you. Just get going and the creative skills will kick in.
Finally Chase Jarvis, https://www.youtube.com/c/ChaseJarvis reminded me of his book, Creative Calling. I have read this several times when I am stuck and started rereading again today. These people, along with a few others that responded made me feel not so alone anymore. I felt like other creatives were there to help. This is not something I have felt very much in the past and it meant the world to me.
I have lost my creativity! I am uninspired! However, I know this to will pass. For now my camera bag is under my desk still. However, I will try the things that have been suggested and see where it takes me. I have a lot to work on but I know my mind is a powerful tool and I have the ability to choose my own path forward. I cannot thank those of you enough, that responded to my post. You have no idea what that can do for someone when you respond. I hope that I can be there for others like they have been there for me.